Stott Sphere

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Robb’s Ongoing Funeral Plans April 25, 2013

Filed under: Daily Life — Jen @ 10:11 am

Joking about funerals is getting to be a national pastime at our house.  Robb has plenty of opinions about how his funeral and burial should go, and he keeps revising the plans and giving me updates.

Initially, he told me he wanted to be buried in all black clothing.  I don’t think that’s black for mourning, I think that’s because black is cool.  Later, he revised that and said he didn’t really need any clothing at all.

Me: Won’t that be awkward on Resurrection day?
Robb: Nah.
Me: I guess you’re feeling pretty confidant about what you’ve got going on.  You make that look gooood.

He did, however, insist on shoes.  Shoes tied really tight.  Which, if you know Robb, is apropos.

The burial plans have been revised several times, as well.  First, he told me to bury him in a plain pine box.  Then it was a cardboard box.  Then he wanted me to dig a hole in the floor of our (imaginary) barn and bury him under the barn.

Robb: That’s where I want to be.  Under the barn.
Me: We don’t even have a barn!
Robb: Well, we should.

The revised plan is that we rent a posthole digger, dig a big posthole behind the also imaginary chemical shed, and bury him in it, feet first.  Or head first.  Whatever.

Naked.  With shoes.  Presumably black shoes.

I’m pretty sure the original funeral plans involved the singing of very old Protestant hymns, like “The Old Rugged Cross,” and the imbibing of liquid refreshments that Robb himself would never drink.  In the new plans, there’s really no funeral at all.  We’re just going to hold a lottery.  Everyone will come and draw a number, and the winner, (or rather, loser) will get the honor of kicking Robb’s shoed but otherwise naked body into the posthole.

And that’s how he’ll go.  Unceremoniously kicked into a posthole by a friend.  If he goes head first into the hole, I assume we’ll have a chance to take one last look at that glorious naked… umm… body before we dump a few shovel fulls of dirt on it.  He’ll go without the telling of a single amusing story or the singing of a single mournful hymn.

As you may have guessed, I have removed Robb from the committee to plan Robb’s funeral.  But if he has any more amazing ideas, I’ll let you know!

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